Alternate Movie History Part I: Worst Working Titles

In a town called Big Whiskey, an old, grizzled angel-of-death cowboy walks into a bar and unleashes hell on its patrons as he decimates an entire gang of wrongdoers.

He exits the bar, and in the pouring rain, he warns the rest of the town:

"You better bury Ned right! Better not go cuttin' up, nor otherwise harm no whores. Or I'll come back and kill every one of you sons-o-bitches."

This is a scene from Clint Eastwood's Western masterpiece. Perhaps you've heard of it, it's called...

..."The Cut Whore Killings" (1992).

What? The Cut Whore What?

You got it right, "The Cut Whore Killings", at least, that's what David Webb Peoples (screewriter) originally titled the film.

We all know it better as "Unforgiven" (1992).

Thank God. And Clint, for that matter.

Imagine seeing the trailer for this film back in 1992. Everyone in the audience is jazzed, Clint is back as a cowboy, this Western looks dark and brooding, this looks unbelievable, and then...

..."The Cut Whore Killings" title card splashes across the screen.

Cue "collective audience groan" sound-effect.

This is not the first time filmmakers made the correct decision regarding Working Titles.

There is a long, brutal history of downright terrible titles that almost made it to the silver screen near you.

Let's see if you recognize this movie...

A spaceship crew is eating dinner around a table in a mess-hall. They are cracking jokes between one another.

One of the crewman's laugh turns into a choking noise. The other members of the crew laugh even louder.

The choking crewman is now violently gagging and holding his chest. The others try to the restrain the man, thinking that he might be experiencing a cardiac arrest.

Suddenly, a burst of blood explodes from the crewman's chest. He falls onto the table and a vicious-looking alien crawls out of his torso and scampers away.

Remember that scene? How can anyone forget it. Of course, it's from Ridley Scott's Sci-Fi/Horror masterpiece...

..."Star Beast" (1979).

Yep. "Star Beast."

In space, no one can hear you scream.

And with a title like that, no one would be in the audience to scream either.

Good thing Mr. Scott and the Producers came up with the title, "Alien" (1979).

How about some of these famous quote and their NOT so famous Working Titles...

-"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."

"Everbody Comes to Rick's" (1942), aka, "Casablanca."

-"I'm not mad, I'm proud of you. You took your first pinch like a man and you learn two great things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut."

"Wiseguy" (1990), aka, "Goodfellas."

-"Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?"

"How the Solar System Was Won" (1968), aka, "2001: A Space Odyssey."

-"You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charley."

"The Hook" (1954), aka, "On the Waterfront."

-"Snap out of it!"

"The Bride and the Wolf" (1987), aka, "Moonstruck."

Okay, pop quiz hot shot...

...Which film won Best Picture at the 2007 Academy Awards?

That would be "Infernal Affairs" (2006), aka, "The Departed."

...Which film is generally regarded as Hitchcock's best film?

"From Among the Dead" (1958), aka, "Vertigo."

...Which film is known as the first Film Noir masterpiece?

"The Gent from Frisco" (1941), aka, "The Maltese Falcon."

...Which Billy Wilder film is considered one of the best comedies of all-time?

"Not Tonight, Josephine!" (1959), aka, "Some Like It Hot."

...Which film was AFI's original #1 film?

"The American", aka, "Citizen Kane."

The following films listed below have garnered an Honorable Mention as the Worst Working Titles EVER.

Enjoy!

-"Black Mask" (1994), aka, "Pulp Fiction."
-"The Greatest Gift" (1946), aka, "It's a Wonderful Life."
-"Oil!" (2007), aka, "There Will Be Blood."
-"The Man Who Came to Play" (1978), aka, "The Deer Hunter."
-"Rope Burns" (2004), aka, "Million Dollar Baby."
-"La Bella Confusione" (1963), aka, "8 1/2."
-"The Body" (1986), aka, "Stand By Me."
-"King of the Jungle" (1994), aka, "The Lion King."
-"Glory for Me" (1946), aka, "The Best Years of Our Lives."
-"Blood and Guts" (1970), aka, "Patton."
-"Watch the Skies" (1977), aka, "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."
-"Dead Right" (1971), aka, "Dirty Harry."
-"The Human Interest Story" (1951), aka, "Ace in the Hole."
-"A Boy's Life" (1982), aka, "E.T."
-"Would I Lie to You?" (1982), aka, "Tootsie."
-"Shoeless Joe" (1989), aka, "Field of Dreams."

Trailer Trash: How Bad Trailers Ruin Good Movies. Exhibit A: "In Bruges" (2008).

"In Bruges" (2008) is a great movie. Probably in my Top Ten of 2008.

It's that good.

The theatrical trailer is trash. It completely strips the film of its emotional core. It is a classic Marketing FUBAR.

Trailer Trash: How Bad Trailers Ruin Good Movies is a new segment to Continuity Film.

Before I go in-depth with the trailer, I'd like to start first by looking at the Poster (see above).

The poster for "In Bruges" is a blood-splattered post-card. The 3 Main Characters (Harry, Ray, & Ken) are split in three panels, each with Bruges scenery in the background, and they all hold guns. The tagline on the bottom right is: "Shoot first. Sightsee later." Colin Farrell's character Ray is in the center panel, holding a revolver in one hand and a pint of beer in the other.

The poster is terrible and the Marketing Department of Focus Features should fire whoever the heck was in charge of this film.

"Shoot first. Sightsee later." Wow. How original. Yeah, you know what, I, "White Male Demographic 18-34" is so ensconced in my XBOX 360 and I'm so sick of my fridge full of beer and cold pizza that I need to drop everything and see a film with a tagline like that! Oh wait, sorry, I will go because Colin Farrell, who I have a man-crush on, is holding a revolver and a beer, a BEER, how cool is that?

Let's take a look at this masterpiece of a trailer, shall we?



I remember seeing the trailer in the movie theater sometime last year with Rebecca. I specifically remember telling her, "Wow. That looks embrassing."

The trailer starts off with Ray (Farrell) in a confessional booth with a Priest. It is revealed that Ray has committed murder. The Priest asks him who. Ray says, "You Father."

Blam. Blam. Blam.

Cuts to a bunch of people saying "Bruges."

We then see a bunch of random images with sub-title cards: "They Were Supposed to Disappear"..."Blend In"..."And Wait For the Boss to Call"...

We hear a phone message of a bunch of f-bombs being bleeped-out (which, btw, is annoying as hell to listen to in a theater).

More sub-title cards: "In Bruges..."..."If You Can't Hide Out"..."You Get Taken Out."

Suddenly, there is a guitar riff from that crap-song "The Impression That I Get" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Like I didn't hear that song enough from my Sophmore year roomate in College. And that was 1999.

It is followed by a series of MTV-Video Circa 1999 fast-cuts of random images.

Finally, to put a cherry on top of an already horrific trailer, they throw in the dwarf/midget for good measure.

It's funny, because Colin Farrell's character Ray, perfectly sums up what I felt, and what I imagine 90% of the audience felt after they watched this horrorshow...

"If I'd grown up in a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't..."

Ditto.

Okay, after seeing that trailer, would you honestly think that it would get nominated for Best Original Screenplay?

No? Well, it did.

After seeing the trailer, would you honestly think that Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson would both be nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy/Musical at the Golden Globes?

No? They did.

In fact, it is probably Colin Farrell's best performance.

Wow, Anthony, since the trailer doesn't do the film justice at all, what is the film actually about?

Well, I'm glad you finally asked.

"In Bruges" is a dark comedy. In fact, it's more of a dark dramedy (drama/comedy).

The closest film I could compare it to would be Gary Fleder's "Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" (1995), which is an underrated film that got caught in the post-Pulp Fiction maelstrom.

The film is about two Irish guys who have been sent to Bruges. Bruges?

It's in Belgium.

It is the oldest Medieval city in all of Europe (or, so the movie says).

We eventually find out that these two blokes are hitmen who are taking a leave of absence after a botched hit.

Ken (Gleeson) is the veteran. He's a normal guy, just like you and me. He's not a ruthless, by-the-numbers, assassin. He's a fat guy who likes history and art and he's loving Bruges. He's the professional.

Ray (Farrell) is the rookie. He's a hot-headed blowhard who hates Bruges, hates history, and would piss on the Mona Lisa if he was drunk enough. He's green. He's new at this game and he's still trying to figure out the rules.

Ken and Ray are waiting for word from their boss, Harry (Fiennes), the expletive-laden madman who we primarily hear through the receiver of a telephone.

That's all you need to know.

The film is at times hilarious, touching, funny, poignant, and startingly original.

"In Bruges" is a character-driven film about hitmen with feelings. They are not video-game-automatons who shoot first and ask questions last.

These guys shoot first and cry about it later on.

They are normal guys who have a job to do. They don't necessarily like it, but it's all they know.

They're like blue collar hitmen.

I urge you all to see it.

You won't be disappointed.

The Decline and Fall of Robert De Niro

"The Decline and Fall of Robert De Niro

-OR-

How the Finest Actor of His Generation Sold his Soul to The Paycheck Devil."



How did Robert De Niro go from this...









...to this?









I remember the day. I remember the moment.

I knew the Decline of Robert De Niro came once I saw the trailer for "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle" (2000).

Do you remember it?

Robert De Niro, playing the Fearless Leader, looks into the camera and says:

"Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me? But I'm the only one here, so you must be talkin' to ME?"

Yes, that is the precise moment when Robert De Niro sold his soul to the paycheck devil.

(If you really want to experience it, check out the trailer on YouTube, 0:16 - 0:25 is the time-count, it is horrifying).

Not only did De Niro sell-out by taking a shameless paycheck movie but he also ape'd-his performance in "Taxi Driver."

I can only imagine De Niro's agent trying to sell him on the movie.

-Agent: Bobby. Listen, I have this great script, actually, the script is terrible, but the performance is right up your alley. After "Analyze This", I think this would be the perfect follow-up for you. Ready? "Rocky & Bullwinkle". Ha?! Amazing, right?

-De Niro: You mean, the cartoon?

-Agent: Yeah. The cartoon. You always told me you loved it. Well, they're making it into a film, sorta' like "Roger Rabbit", but better. Jason Alexander, you know him, Costanza from "Seinfeld"? He's already attached. But they need someone to play the Fearless Leader. I thought you would be perfect for the part.

-De Niro: The Fearless What?

-Agent: Leader. Bobby, listen to me, when have I given you wrong advice? (Pause) Okay, I know what you're going to say, "Frankenstein". That doesn't count. Anyway, listen, you can play the Fearless Leader like Mike Myers played Dr. Evil. Or, better yet, like how Charlie Chaplin played Hitler in "The Great Dictator."

-De Niro: Hmmm. I don't know. I was thinkin' maybe we can call Marty. See what he's up to...

-Agent: Marty? No, been there, done that like 6 times already. It's time for you to branch-out. You're not getting any younger, no offense, and it's time to think about a new direction in your career...

-De Niro: I don't know. I'm not feeling fearless. It doesn't seem like anything I can really get into.

-Agent: They're offering you 10 million plus a percentage on the back-end. (Pause).

-De Niro: Where do I sign?

How did he go from being Robert "Fuckin'" De Niro to Bob?

Where did it all begin?

Robert De Niro was THE finest actor of his generation. Let's take a quick glance at his memorable work:

From Johnny-Boy in "Mean Streets" (1973) to Vito Corleone in "The Godfather: Part II" (1974) to Travis Bickle in "Taxi Driver" (1976) to Michael in "The Deer Hunter" (1978) to Jake LaMotta in "Raging Bull" (1980) to Al Capone in "The Untouchables" (1987) to Jimmy Conway in "Goodfellas" (1990) to Max Cady in "Cape Fear" (1991) to Ace Rothstein in "Casino" (1995) to Neal McCauley in "Heat" (1995) to Moe Tilden in "Copland" (1997).

Somehow along the way, De Niro had an itch to scratch. And that itch was called...

...Comedy.

After a good, but not great, performance in "Analyse This" (1999), De Niro was convinced that he could make the transition from drama to comedy seamlessly. He was also successful in "Meet the Parents" (2000).

He wanted to wear both masks.

It was all downhill from then on.

Let's take a quick peek at his forgettable performances since he decided to scratch his itch.

From "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle" (2000) to "Men of Honor" (2000) to "15 Minutes" (2001) to "The Score" (2001) to "Showtime" (2002) to "City by the Sea" (2002) to "Godsend" (2004) to "Hide & Seek" (2005) to "Stardust" (2007) to "Righteous Kill" (2008).

If you look closer at these films, you will notice that not all of them are comedies, some are thrillers, some are fantasy films, etc.

But they all have one-common-denominator.

Plot-driven.

Look closer at De Niro's unforgettable performances. For the most part, all character-driven.

Another factor? Marty.

Out of those 11 Unforgettable Performances, 6 were directed by Marty.

The Marty Factor. They had their own cinematic shorthand language. They knew how far each could be pushed. They were blood brothers. They brought out the best in each other.

After "Casino" (1995), Marty and De Niro went their separate ways.

Was their a rift between the dynamic duo?

I don't think so. Marty was trying out new stuff, "Kundun" (1997), "My Voyage to Italy" (1999), "Bringing out the Dead" (1999).

Meanwhile, De Niro was being sold down the golden river.

They couldn't get on the same page. Marty then made "Gangs of New York" (2002) and "The Aviator" (2004). Daniel Day-Lewis was perfect as Bill The Butcher and there was absolutely no role for De Niro in "The Aviator".

And Marty already had De Niro's replacement in Leonardo DiCaprio.

The New Dynamic Duo was born.

They had one more opportunity in "The Departed" (2006). Marty offered De Niro the role of Frank Costello. Unfortunately, De Niro declined the offer because he was knee-deep in directing "The Good Shepherd". The role of Costello eventually went to Jack Nicholson.

De Niro made a desperate decision and starred opposite Al Pacino in "Righteous Kill" (2008), a lame attempt for both men, to return to their tough-guy roles. It was a failed experiment.

And it looks like De Niro is not stopping there. He is attached to star in "Frankie Machine" (2010), pairing himself up with Michael Mann again. It feels like another painful attempt to recapture his former glory...

"An ex mob hit man (De Niro) living in rural comfort is lured back into his former profession by the scheming son of a Mafia Don."

Originally, this had Marty directing and De Niro starring. This was the film. This was the return of the dynamic duo.

Then it all fell apart. Marty dropped the film and made "Shutter Island" (2009) instead, again with Leo.

Wait, wait, wait. Back-up. Take a look at the log-line of "Frankie Machine."

Do you see what I'm seeing? Can you read between the lies?

Shouldn't it read:

"An ex-A-list-actor (De Niro) living a rural comfort is lured back into his former profession by the scheming director Michael Mann."

Finally, look closer at the title pictures above.

De Niro as Jake LaMotta (young & skinny, old & fat).

These two pictures are a perfect example of De Niro's decline and fall.

De Niro was once the ferocious, raging, pull-no-punches, younger Jake LaMotta. He was an absolute bull. He was a force of nature. A freakin' hurricane. He became that character. He lived it. He breathed it. He would ask his brother, with a straight-face, "Did you fuck my wife?" and then he would beat the shit out of him in front of his wife and kids because he wasn't convinced.

Then, later in his career, De Niro became the hefty, has-been, soft, older Jake LaMotta. He was washed-up. Punch-drunk. Desperately doing any gig he could get. Reciting Shakespeare, making crude jokes. He became that fat-man, puffing on a cigar, looking into a mirror, and pathetically imitating Marlon Brando's character from "On the Waterfront" (1954).

From Robert to Bob.

From A-List to C-List.

From Travis Bickle to Fearless Leader.

From Character to Caricature.

The Actor Formerly Known as Robert De Niro.