Alternate Movie History Part I: Worst Working Titles

In a town called Big Whiskey, an old, grizzled angel-of-death cowboy walks into a bar and unleashes hell on its patrons as he decimates an entire gang of wrongdoers.

He exits the bar, and in the pouring rain, he warns the rest of the town:

"You better bury Ned right! Better not go cuttin' up, nor otherwise harm no whores. Or I'll come back and kill every one of you sons-o-bitches."

This is a scene from Clint Eastwood's Western masterpiece. Perhaps you've heard of it, it's called...

..."The Cut Whore Killings" (1992).

What? The Cut Whore What?

You got it right, "The Cut Whore Killings", at least, that's what David Webb Peoples (screewriter) originally titled the film.

We all know it better as "Unforgiven" (1992).

Thank God. And Clint, for that matter.

Imagine seeing the trailer for this film back in 1992. Everyone in the audience is jazzed, Clint is back as a cowboy, this Western looks dark and brooding, this looks unbelievable, and then...

..."The Cut Whore Killings" title card splashes across the screen.

Cue "collective audience groan" sound-effect.

This is not the first time filmmakers made the correct decision regarding Working Titles.

There is a long, brutal history of downright terrible titles that almost made it to the silver screen near you.

Let's see if you recognize this movie...

A spaceship crew is eating dinner around a table in a mess-hall. They are cracking jokes between one another.

One of the crewman's laugh turns into a choking noise. The other members of the crew laugh even louder.

The choking crewman is now violently gagging and holding his chest. The others try to the restrain the man, thinking that he might be experiencing a cardiac arrest.

Suddenly, a burst of blood explodes from the crewman's chest. He falls onto the table and a vicious-looking alien crawls out of his torso and scampers away.

Remember that scene? How can anyone forget it. Of course, it's from Ridley Scott's Sci-Fi/Horror masterpiece...

..."Star Beast" (1979).

Yep. "Star Beast."

In space, no one can hear you scream.

And with a title like that, no one would be in the audience to scream either.

Good thing Mr. Scott and the Producers came up with the title, "Alien" (1979).

How about some of these famous quote and their NOT so famous Working Titles...

-"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."

"Everbody Comes to Rick's" (1942), aka, "Casablanca."

-"I'm not mad, I'm proud of you. You took your first pinch like a man and you learn two great things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut."

"Wiseguy" (1990), aka, "Goodfellas."

-"Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?"

"How the Solar System Was Won" (1968), aka, "2001: A Space Odyssey."

-"You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charley."

"The Hook" (1954), aka, "On the Waterfront."

-"Snap out of it!"

"The Bride and the Wolf" (1987), aka, "Moonstruck."

Okay, pop quiz hot shot...

...Which film won Best Picture at the 2007 Academy Awards?

That would be "Infernal Affairs" (2006), aka, "The Departed."

...Which film is generally regarded as Hitchcock's best film?

"From Among the Dead" (1958), aka, "Vertigo."

...Which film is known as the first Film Noir masterpiece?

"The Gent from Frisco" (1941), aka, "The Maltese Falcon."

...Which Billy Wilder film is considered one of the best comedies of all-time?

"Not Tonight, Josephine!" (1959), aka, "Some Like It Hot."

...Which film was AFI's original #1 film?

"The American", aka, "Citizen Kane."

The following films listed below have garnered an Honorable Mention as the Worst Working Titles EVER.

Enjoy!

-"Black Mask" (1994), aka, "Pulp Fiction."
-"The Greatest Gift" (1946), aka, "It's a Wonderful Life."
-"Oil!" (2007), aka, "There Will Be Blood."
-"The Man Who Came to Play" (1978), aka, "The Deer Hunter."
-"Rope Burns" (2004), aka, "Million Dollar Baby."
-"La Bella Confusione" (1963), aka, "8 1/2."
-"The Body" (1986), aka, "Stand By Me."
-"King of the Jungle" (1994), aka, "The Lion King."
-"Glory for Me" (1946), aka, "The Best Years of Our Lives."
-"Blood and Guts" (1970), aka, "Patton."
-"Watch the Skies" (1977), aka, "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."
-"Dead Right" (1971), aka, "Dirty Harry."
-"The Human Interest Story" (1951), aka, "Ace in the Hole."
-"A Boy's Life" (1982), aka, "E.T."
-"Would I Lie to You?" (1982), aka, "Tootsie."
-"Shoeless Joe" (1989), aka, "Field of Dreams."

Trailer Trash: How Bad Trailers Ruin Good Movies. Exhibit A: "In Bruges" (2008).

"In Bruges" (2008) is a great movie. Probably in my Top Ten of 2008.

It's that good.

The theatrical trailer is trash. It completely strips the film of its emotional core. It is a classic Marketing FUBAR.

Trailer Trash: How Bad Trailers Ruin Good Movies is a new segment to Continuity Film.

Before I go in-depth with the trailer, I'd like to start first by looking at the Poster (see above).

The poster for "In Bruges" is a blood-splattered post-card. The 3 Main Characters (Harry, Ray, & Ken) are split in three panels, each with Bruges scenery in the background, and they all hold guns. The tagline on the bottom right is: "Shoot first. Sightsee later." Colin Farrell's character Ray is in the center panel, holding a revolver in one hand and a pint of beer in the other.

The poster is terrible and the Marketing Department of Focus Features should fire whoever the heck was in charge of this film.

"Shoot first. Sightsee later." Wow. How original. Yeah, you know what, I, "White Male Demographic 18-34" is so ensconced in my XBOX 360 and I'm so sick of my fridge full of beer and cold pizza that I need to drop everything and see a film with a tagline like that! Oh wait, sorry, I will go because Colin Farrell, who I have a man-crush on, is holding a revolver and a beer, a BEER, how cool is that?

Let's take a look at this masterpiece of a trailer, shall we?



I remember seeing the trailer in the movie theater sometime last year with Rebecca. I specifically remember telling her, "Wow. That looks embrassing."

The trailer starts off with Ray (Farrell) in a confessional booth with a Priest. It is revealed that Ray has committed murder. The Priest asks him who. Ray says, "You Father."

Blam. Blam. Blam.

Cuts to a bunch of people saying "Bruges."

We then see a bunch of random images with sub-title cards: "They Were Supposed to Disappear"..."Blend In"..."And Wait For the Boss to Call"...

We hear a phone message of a bunch of f-bombs being bleeped-out (which, btw, is annoying as hell to listen to in a theater).

More sub-title cards: "In Bruges..."..."If You Can't Hide Out"..."You Get Taken Out."

Suddenly, there is a guitar riff from that crap-song "The Impression That I Get" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Like I didn't hear that song enough from my Sophmore year roomate in College. And that was 1999.

It is followed by a series of MTV-Video Circa 1999 fast-cuts of random images.

Finally, to put a cherry on top of an already horrific trailer, they throw in the dwarf/midget for good measure.

It's funny, because Colin Farrell's character Ray, perfectly sums up what I felt, and what I imagine 90% of the audience felt after they watched this horrorshow...

"If I'd grown up in a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't..."

Ditto.

Okay, after seeing that trailer, would you honestly think that it would get nominated for Best Original Screenplay?

No? Well, it did.

After seeing the trailer, would you honestly think that Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson would both be nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy/Musical at the Golden Globes?

No? They did.

In fact, it is probably Colin Farrell's best performance.

Wow, Anthony, since the trailer doesn't do the film justice at all, what is the film actually about?

Well, I'm glad you finally asked.

"In Bruges" is a dark comedy. In fact, it's more of a dark dramedy (drama/comedy).

The closest film I could compare it to would be Gary Fleder's "Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" (1995), which is an underrated film that got caught in the post-Pulp Fiction maelstrom.

The film is about two Irish guys who have been sent to Bruges. Bruges?

It's in Belgium.

It is the oldest Medieval city in all of Europe (or, so the movie says).

We eventually find out that these two blokes are hitmen who are taking a leave of absence after a botched hit.

Ken (Gleeson) is the veteran. He's a normal guy, just like you and me. He's not a ruthless, by-the-numbers, assassin. He's a fat guy who likes history and art and he's loving Bruges. He's the professional.

Ray (Farrell) is the rookie. He's a hot-headed blowhard who hates Bruges, hates history, and would piss on the Mona Lisa if he was drunk enough. He's green. He's new at this game and he's still trying to figure out the rules.

Ken and Ray are waiting for word from their boss, Harry (Fiennes), the expletive-laden madman who we primarily hear through the receiver of a telephone.

That's all you need to know.

The film is at times hilarious, touching, funny, poignant, and startingly original.

"In Bruges" is a character-driven film about hitmen with feelings. They are not video-game-automatons who shoot first and ask questions last.

These guys shoot first and cry about it later on.

They are normal guys who have a job to do. They don't necessarily like it, but it's all they know.

They're like blue collar hitmen.

I urge you all to see it.

You won't be disappointed.

The Decline and Fall of Robert De Niro

"The Decline and Fall of Robert De Niro

-OR-

How the Finest Actor of His Generation Sold his Soul to The Paycheck Devil."



How did Robert De Niro go from this...









...to this?









I remember the day. I remember the moment.

I knew the Decline of Robert De Niro came once I saw the trailer for "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle" (2000).

Do you remember it?

Robert De Niro, playing the Fearless Leader, looks into the camera and says:

"Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me? But I'm the only one here, so you must be talkin' to ME?"

Yes, that is the precise moment when Robert De Niro sold his soul to the paycheck devil.

(If you really want to experience it, check out the trailer on YouTube, 0:16 - 0:25 is the time-count, it is horrifying).

Not only did De Niro sell-out by taking a shameless paycheck movie but he also ape'd-his performance in "Taxi Driver."

I can only imagine De Niro's agent trying to sell him on the movie.

-Agent: Bobby. Listen, I have this great script, actually, the script is terrible, but the performance is right up your alley. After "Analyze This", I think this would be the perfect follow-up for you. Ready? "Rocky & Bullwinkle". Ha?! Amazing, right?

-De Niro: You mean, the cartoon?

-Agent: Yeah. The cartoon. You always told me you loved it. Well, they're making it into a film, sorta' like "Roger Rabbit", but better. Jason Alexander, you know him, Costanza from "Seinfeld"? He's already attached. But they need someone to play the Fearless Leader. I thought you would be perfect for the part.

-De Niro: The Fearless What?

-Agent: Leader. Bobby, listen to me, when have I given you wrong advice? (Pause) Okay, I know what you're going to say, "Frankenstein". That doesn't count. Anyway, listen, you can play the Fearless Leader like Mike Myers played Dr. Evil. Or, better yet, like how Charlie Chaplin played Hitler in "The Great Dictator."

-De Niro: Hmmm. I don't know. I was thinkin' maybe we can call Marty. See what he's up to...

-Agent: Marty? No, been there, done that like 6 times already. It's time for you to branch-out. You're not getting any younger, no offense, and it's time to think about a new direction in your career...

-De Niro: I don't know. I'm not feeling fearless. It doesn't seem like anything I can really get into.

-Agent: They're offering you 10 million plus a percentage on the back-end. (Pause).

-De Niro: Where do I sign?

How did he go from being Robert "Fuckin'" De Niro to Bob?

Where did it all begin?

Robert De Niro was THE finest actor of his generation. Let's take a quick glance at his memorable work:

From Johnny-Boy in "Mean Streets" (1973) to Vito Corleone in "The Godfather: Part II" (1974) to Travis Bickle in "Taxi Driver" (1976) to Michael in "The Deer Hunter" (1978) to Jake LaMotta in "Raging Bull" (1980) to Al Capone in "The Untouchables" (1987) to Jimmy Conway in "Goodfellas" (1990) to Max Cady in "Cape Fear" (1991) to Ace Rothstein in "Casino" (1995) to Neal McCauley in "Heat" (1995) to Moe Tilden in "Copland" (1997).

Somehow along the way, De Niro had an itch to scratch. And that itch was called...

...Comedy.

After a good, but not great, performance in "Analyse This" (1999), De Niro was convinced that he could make the transition from drama to comedy seamlessly. He was also successful in "Meet the Parents" (2000).

He wanted to wear both masks.

It was all downhill from then on.

Let's take a quick peek at his forgettable performances since he decided to scratch his itch.

From "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle" (2000) to "Men of Honor" (2000) to "15 Minutes" (2001) to "The Score" (2001) to "Showtime" (2002) to "City by the Sea" (2002) to "Godsend" (2004) to "Hide & Seek" (2005) to "Stardust" (2007) to "Righteous Kill" (2008).

If you look closer at these films, you will notice that not all of them are comedies, some are thrillers, some are fantasy films, etc.

But they all have one-common-denominator.

Plot-driven.

Look closer at De Niro's unforgettable performances. For the most part, all character-driven.

Another factor? Marty.

Out of those 11 Unforgettable Performances, 6 were directed by Marty.

The Marty Factor. They had their own cinematic shorthand language. They knew how far each could be pushed. They were blood brothers. They brought out the best in each other.

After "Casino" (1995), Marty and De Niro went their separate ways.

Was their a rift between the dynamic duo?

I don't think so. Marty was trying out new stuff, "Kundun" (1997), "My Voyage to Italy" (1999), "Bringing out the Dead" (1999).

Meanwhile, De Niro was being sold down the golden river.

They couldn't get on the same page. Marty then made "Gangs of New York" (2002) and "The Aviator" (2004). Daniel Day-Lewis was perfect as Bill The Butcher and there was absolutely no role for De Niro in "The Aviator".

And Marty already had De Niro's replacement in Leonardo DiCaprio.

The New Dynamic Duo was born.

They had one more opportunity in "The Departed" (2006). Marty offered De Niro the role of Frank Costello. Unfortunately, De Niro declined the offer because he was knee-deep in directing "The Good Shepherd". The role of Costello eventually went to Jack Nicholson.

De Niro made a desperate decision and starred opposite Al Pacino in "Righteous Kill" (2008), a lame attempt for both men, to return to their tough-guy roles. It was a failed experiment.

And it looks like De Niro is not stopping there. He is attached to star in "Frankie Machine" (2010), pairing himself up with Michael Mann again. It feels like another painful attempt to recapture his former glory...

"An ex mob hit man (De Niro) living in rural comfort is lured back into his former profession by the scheming son of a Mafia Don."

Originally, this had Marty directing and De Niro starring. This was the film. This was the return of the dynamic duo.

Then it all fell apart. Marty dropped the film and made "Shutter Island" (2009) instead, again with Leo.

Wait, wait, wait. Back-up. Take a look at the log-line of "Frankie Machine."

Do you see what I'm seeing? Can you read between the lies?

Shouldn't it read:

"An ex-A-list-actor (De Niro) living a rural comfort is lured back into his former profession by the scheming director Michael Mann."

Finally, look closer at the title pictures above.

De Niro as Jake LaMotta (young & skinny, old & fat).

These two pictures are a perfect example of De Niro's decline and fall.

De Niro was once the ferocious, raging, pull-no-punches, younger Jake LaMotta. He was an absolute bull. He was a force of nature. A freakin' hurricane. He became that character. He lived it. He breathed it. He would ask his brother, with a straight-face, "Did you fuck my wife?" and then he would beat the shit out of him in front of his wife and kids because he wasn't convinced.

Then, later in his career, De Niro became the hefty, has-been, soft, older Jake LaMotta. He was washed-up. Punch-drunk. Desperately doing any gig he could get. Reciting Shakespeare, making crude jokes. He became that fat-man, puffing on a cigar, looking into a mirror, and pathetically imitating Marlon Brando's character from "On the Waterfront" (1954).

From Robert to Bob.

From A-List to C-List.

From Travis Bickle to Fearless Leader.

From Character to Caricature.

The Actor Formerly Known as Robert De Niro.

Critic Consensus Top 40 Films (2002-2008)

Having already completed the Critic Consensus's from 2002 to 2008, it's only natural that I made a list detailing the Critic Consensus Top 40 Films.

Unfortunately, the numbers for 2001 are not readily available and, of course, 2009 is just underway, so this list will only comprise the last 7 years.

40. "Babel" (109, 2006)
39. "Once" (113, 2007)
38. "LOTR: The Two Towers" (115, 2002)
37. "Master and Commander" (116, 2003)
36. "The Squid and The Whale" (117, 2005)
35. "Happy-Go Lucky" (122, 2008)
34. "Children of Men" (123, 2006)
33. "Ratatouille" (123.5, 2007)
32. "Army of Shadows" (124, 2006)
31. "Atonement" (124, 2006)
30. "Y Tu Mama Tambien" (125, 2002)
29. "The Incredibles" (126, 2004)
28. "Adaptation" (127, 2002)
27. "Man on Wire" (127, 2008)
26. "Finding Nemo" (129, 2003)
25. "Capturing the Friedmans" (132, 2003)
24. "A History of Violence" (137, 2005)
23. "Far From Heaven" (146, 2002)
22. "Before Sunset" (148, 2004)
21. "Mystic River" (153, 2003)
20. "Borat" (158, 2006)
19. "The Queen" (163, 2006)
18. "Milk" (164, 2008)
17. "Slumdog Millionaire" (164, 2008)
16. "American Splendor" (172.5, 2003)
15. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (186.5, 2004)
14. "Letters From Iwo Jima" (188, 2006)
13. "There Will Be Blood" (194, 2007)
12. "Million Dollar Baby" (196, 2004)
11. "The Dark Knight" (196, 2008)

10. "Pan's Labyrinth" (198, 2006)
9. "Brokeback Mountain" (212, 2005)
8. "The Departed" (224, 2006)
7. "The Diving Bell and Butterfly" (230, 2007)
6. "Sideways" (233, 2004)
5. "LOTR: The Return of the King" (235.5, 2003)
4. "WALL-E" (263.5, 2008)
3. "United 93" (270, 2006)
2. "Lost in Translation" (284, 2003)
1. "No Country For Old Men" (300, 2007)

Breaking down the numbers, it looks like 2002 had 4 entries, 2003 (7), 2004 (5), 2005 (3), 2006 (9), 2007 (6), 2008 (6).

This will be the last Critic Consensus blog-post until next year.

For some, it is a sad day, even sadder than the day after Thanksgiving, after having gained multiple pounds and still knowing that there will be another month of weight gain to look forward to!

For others, it is a happy day, finally, Continuity Film will be talking about films without gumming up all the works with crazy numbers, stats, and rambling rants.

For me, it was fun. It was fun to blend my interest in film and my addiction to numbers.

At times, it felt like I was squeezing the last remnants out of a bottle of toothpaste, you know what I mean, when you curl it, and curl it, and you have to squeeze with two hands just to get a pitiful drop that is barely enough to brush your teeth in the morning and then your wife reprimands you for throwing away a "perfectly good bottle" after you've almost broken your index finger squeezing so damn hard.

No, she's not a witch, she's my wife.

True love.

Critic Consensus Top Ten Films of 2008 (w/ Oscar Nominations)!

It's that time of the year again! The Academy just released their 2008 nominations and I will finally release my Critic Consensus Top Ten Films of 2008!

I have a lot to say.

First, let's hit the Critic Consensus.

10. A Christmas Tale (86)
9. Synecdoche, New York (86)
8. The Wrestler (94)
7. Rachel Getting Married (107)
6. Happy-Go-Lucky (122)
5. Man on Wire (127)
4. Milk (164)
3. Slumdog Millionaire (164)
2. The Dark Knight (196)
1. WALL-E (263.5)

And the 2008 Best Picture Nominations are:

-"Slumdog Millionaire" (3, 164)
-"Milk" (4, 164)
-"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (19, 56)
-"Frost/Nixon" (20, 48)
-"The Reader" (70, 7)

Wow. "WALL-E" (1, 263.5) & "The Dark Knight" (2, 196) were SNUBBED.

That's ridiculous. Both of these films are incredible and it's criminal that the Academy gave them the cold shoulder.

I can't wait for the excuses.

"WALL-E, oh, great movie, but that's why we have Best Animated Film." BS.

"The Dark Knight, no, too popular, we are still reeling from giving James Cameron the keys to the city with 'Titanic', we learned that lesson already. Anywho, we plan on having a Best Genre Picture for the 2010 Oscars, isn't that great?"

In the immortal words of Vizzini:

"Let me put it this way: have you ever heard or Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Morons!"

Let's look back at the numbers, shall we?

The last time the #1 Critic Consensus Film ("CC-Film") wasn't nominated for Best Picture?

-"United 93" (2006) (1, 270)

The last time the #1 and #2 CC-Film weren't nominated for Best Picture?

-Never. Never. Ever. Never. Since 2002, at least one of the Top 2 CC-Films were nominated every year. Not 2008.

Let's look closer at "The Reader". First off, I have not seen the film, but THEY are telling me that it is better than "WALL-E" and "The Dark Knight". Okay, excuse me while I throw-up in my mouth.

-"The Reader" (70, 7). Wow, they really outdid themselves this year. Unprecedented. "The Reader" is officially the worst-rated film EVER* (*2002-2008) nominated for Best Picture, beating out 2004's "Finding Neverland" (62, 6).

The Nominations. This is precisely why the Academy Awards have ZERO credibility. This would be equivalent to having the MLB Players voting for the Hall-of-Fame instead of the MLB Writers.

Let's look at CC-Film History (again, 02-08 only).

This is the weakest class in the last 7 years. Now, this is easy math, so stay with me, 2008 has an average rating of 23.20. (Take 3,4,19,20, & 70, add them up and divide by 5).

Here is the year-by-year rundown.

-02 (9.40)
-03 (7.00)
-04 (19.20)
-05 (7.00)
-06 (6.00)
-07 (6.80)
-08 (23.20)

Therefore, 2006 was the strongest class and 2008 is the worst EVER, and the worst since 2004.

In fact, 2008 is the first year that 3 or more Top Ten films didn't make it into the Best Picture category. In fact, only 2 made it in.

Again, quick-rundown.

-02 (4), 03 (4), 04 (3), 05 (4), 06 (5), 07 (3), 08 (2).

What would you substitute for the Nominations?

-Easy, I would insert "WALL-E" and "The Dark Knight" and I would take out "The Reader" and "Frost/Nixon". I can live with "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I actually liked the film, in fact, I liked it better than "Slumdog Millionaire".

I know Roger Ebert says that he couldn't make a Top Ten List because it was such a good year for movies and he was compelled to make a Top Twenty instead (for the record, his vote was the first one DQ'd).

I have to say, Roger, you're full of it and so is the Academy.

Most likely, "Slumdog Millionaire" is going to win and it'll be another forgotten, plagued-by-mediocrity year in film.

Last, "WALL-E". Masterpiece. Better than any animated film. Pixar's best, better than "Finding Nemo". This film is better than "Beauty and the Beast" (which is the only animated film to be nominated for Best Picture).

In fact, in the last 7 years, "WALL-E" (4, 263.5) is #4 on the 2002-2008 list, trailing only "United 93" (3, 270), "Lost in Translation" (2, 284), and "No Country For Old Men" (1, 300).

The Academy has no sense of history.

Do you know where "The Reader" stands in the last 7 years?

#455. Right below "X2: X-Men United".

I demand a recount! I want to know every voter's vote. I think we have the right, as paying-moviegoers, to know who votes for what.

The voting needs to be more transparent.

If Obama wasn't so busy fixing all of Bush's mistakes, he should take this on too...

...right after he fixes the College Football Playoffs!

What If Production: "I Am Legend" (1976)

What If Production is a new segment to Continuity Film that hypothetically matches a project to a filmmaker and/or actor.

This week’s segment will detail Richard Matheson’s landmark horror novel, “I Am Legend.”

Background:

-Richard Matheson’s novel was published in 1954 and it took place in the near-future (1976-79).

-The novel was “loosely” adapted twice: in “The Last Man on Earth” (1964) & “The Omega Man” (1971).

-Warner Brothers owned rights to the book and John William Carrington and Joyce Hooper Carrington co-wrote an adaptation in 1971 (which, coincidentally, was used as a primer when Mark Protosevich and Akiva Goldsman adapted it in 2007).

-The 2007 version starring Will Smith is a terrible rendition of a fantastic novel. They made the film a starring vehicle for Mr. Smith. Unfortunately, the source material is far bigger than Mr. Smith, not the other way around. They basically took the core concept (the last man on earth surrounded by vampires) and gutted the rest of the details. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Read the book.

What if?

-The actor playing Robert Neville in 1976 would have to be the following:

-FROM "...a tall man, thirty-six, born of English-German stock...long, determined mouth and bright blue eyes..." (14)

-TO "...a bigger, more relaxed Neville...an evenly paced hermit life had increased his weight to 230 pounds. His face was full, his body broad and muscular underneath the loose-fitting denim he wore...only rarely did he crop his thick blond beard, so that it remained two or three inches from his skin...his hair was thinning, long and straggly..." (120).

Looking back on the period, I narrowed down my search to 3 Actors, the central question being, "Who has the chops and the look?":

-Robert Redford, 40.
-Jon Voight, 38.
-Clint Eastwood, 46.

-I originally had it down to 4, Jeff Bridges (27), being the last, but I deemed him too “unknown” at the time to carry this movie.

Again, looking back on the period, I narrowed down my search to 3 Directors:

-William Friedkin [“The French Connection” (1971) & “The Exorcist” (1973)]
-John Boorman [“Deliverance” (1972)]
-Steven Spielberg [“Jaws” (1975)]

Back to the actors: They needed to be bearded.

-Redford [“Jeremiah Johnson” (1972)]
-Voight [“Coming Home” (1978) combined with his performance in “Deliverance” (1972)]
-Eastwood [“The Outlaw Josey Wales” (1976)]

Out of those three actors, I would have to cancel out Redford, b/c honestly, I think he was too much of a pretty-boy and he wouldn’t be convincing enough as the gruff Robert Neville.

It’s down to Eastwood and Voight.

Hmmm. I have to take a closer look at the Directors before I do a final pairing.

-Friedkin made WB a ton of money for “The Exorcist” and Boorman made “Deliverance” for WB, as well.

-Spielberg had his heart set-on “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” (1977) during that period, but, he could’ve always moved that back.

Imagine the pairing of Spielberg and Eastwood. That would’ve been spectacular. Sure, some of you may say, why not have Eastwood direct Eastwood? Well, at the time, he was still flexing his muscles in the director’s chair and I don’t think WB would’ve given him the opportunity to prove otherwise b/c he didn’t have a high degree of clout (and Clint was ensconced in directing westerns and thrillers anyway).

-Boorman worked with Voight on “Deliverance”, so they had some past chemistry there. But, Boorman had just directed a critical and box-office flop with “Zardoz” (1974), a bizarro-SF-fantasy film starring a scantily-clad Sean Connery.

Let’s just say that Boorman’s performance would’ve cancelled him out, in that case, let’s cancel out Voight too.

-That leaves us with Friedkin and Eastwood. Why not? Friedkin was coming off a string of critical and box-office smashes, he was at the top of his game, so to speak, and WB would’ve trusted him to turn-out a great film. Remember, at the time, tentpole summer blockbusters weren’t the norm, the Industry was still figuring out the wild success (possibly, isolated incident) that was “Jaws”, and this was before “Star Wars” changed everything.

So, there we are. We have Friedkin directing and Clint Eastwood starring.

There are long gaps of silence in the film and Eastwood, after having been The Man Without a Name (and a voice) in Sergio Leone’s Spaghetti Western Trilogy, would’ve been ideal to play the silent, brooding Robert Neville.

Back to the Adaptation.

Instead of disgracefully setting the film in Manhattan (like the 2007 version), the film should follow closely to the book.

Los Angeles, north of Compton. A low-rent area. Suburbs. Sprawling city.

1976: no cell-phones, no internet, no GPS, no satellite TV, nothing.

Barebones isolation, just like in the book.

In terms of the feel/pace: imagine the first 15 silent minutes of "There Will Be Blood" (2007) combined with the island-isolation of Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" (2000).

With all of these hypothetical elements now matched, I think "I Am Legend" (1976), directed by William Friedkin, starring Clint Eastwood, would've had the potential to be a landmark horror film.

Just like the book was.

Critic Consensus Top Ten Films of 2003 & 2002

I am still tallying 2008's Critic Consensus and I'm waiting on 5 more critics.

If you, Mr/Mrs. LaSalle, Schickel, Puig, Hunter, and Thomson are reading this, HURRY UP! It's the second week of 2009 already!

Therefore, I had to delve into 2003 and 2002 in order to have a full understanding of the Critic Consensus (and I'll only go back to 2002 b/c the data isn't available on metacritic.com from 2001 down).

So, here is the...

...Critic Consensus Top Ten Films of 2003.

10. Spellbound (70)
9. The Fog of War (88)
8. In America (97)
7. Master and Commander (116)
6. Finding Nemo (129)
5. Capturing the Friedmans (132)
4. Mystic River (153)
3. American Splendor (172.5)
2. LOTR: The Return of the King (235.5)
1. Lost in Translation (284)

And the Academy Award Noms were...

-Winner: "LOTR: The Return of the King" (2, 235.5)
-"Lost in Translation" (1, 284)
-"Mystic River" (4, 153)
-"Master and Commander" (7, 116)
-"Seabiscuit" (21, 30)

2003 was a huge year for documentaries, with 3 in the Top Ten and "Capturing the Friedmans" garnering the most votes on record (132).

In terms of the Best Picture Noms, well, that's a tough one. I mean, I would leave the top four on there because they definitely deserved it. "Master and Commander" will go down as one of the best films of this decade (it is in my personal Top Ten All-Time) but...

..."Seabiscuit"??? C'mon, seriously? "Seabiscuit"? This is where the Academy screwed the pooch. They should've nominated Merielles' masterpiece "City of God" (another best film of this decade plus in my Top Ten). If not "City of God", why not "In America"?

"School of Rock" (17, 43) was better received than "Seabiscuit"!

Let's move onto 2002 while we still have time...

...Critic Consensus Top Ten Films of 2002.

10. Gangs of New York (46)
9. The Pianist (85)
8. Chicago (88)
7. Spirited Away (90)
6. About Schmidt (94)
5. Talk to Her (108)
4. LOTR: The Two Towers (115)
3. Y Tu Mama Tambien (125)
2. Adaptation (127)
1. Far From Heaven (146)

And the Academy Award noms were...

-Winner: "Chicago" (8, 88)
-"LOTR: The Two Towers" (4, 115)
-"The Pianist" (9, 85)
-"Gangs of New York" (10, 46)
-"The Hours" (16, 29)

This was a really bad year for Best Picture Noms. Who deserved to be there out of these five?

Honestly, "The Pianist", and that's it. In fact, "The Pianist" should've won that year.

Here is how I would've redone the Noms using the power of hindsight.

-W: "The Pianist" (9, 85)
-"Talk to Her" (5, 108)
-"Adaptation" (2, 127)
-"Bloody Sunday" (21, 19)
-"25th Hour" (96, 1)


"Adaptation" was a close second that year for me, more like a 1(a) to "The Pianist" (1) and Paul Greengrass's "Bloody Sunday" was gut-wrenchingly realistic and ahead of its time.

But the biggest snub of all-time?

Has to be Spike Lee's "25th Hour." That is one of his best movies, ranking right up there with "Summer of Sam", "Malcolm X", and "Do The Right Thing."

It is a shame, a shame that "Windtalkers" (82, 2) and "The Good Girl" (67, 4) had more votes than "25th Hour"!

As Ripley says in "Aliens"...

..."Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?"